do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
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To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.