My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it
Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
