My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
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I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
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If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
My god she’s good.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile