My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
You Might Also Like
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.