My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
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Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…