My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
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so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone