My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
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[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
adam and eve had first world problems
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Me My dog
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak