My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
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While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
This is enough internet for the day.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much