My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
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Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
