Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You wish you had this many chins.

Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.

Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.

Magazines are for your self esteem.

-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.

[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck

The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.

One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.

My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.

First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?

[eyeing a beautiful woman]

ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants

HER: they look terrible on you

No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this

BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light

All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.

Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.

I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.

Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.

Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.

Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.

*Being murdered in bed*

Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??

Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.

pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed

There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx

Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.

Did I do that right? I don’t get it.

Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.

Me: *petting my cat*

My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.

Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys

Quadruple digit IQ

(my first day as a transformer)

optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!

Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE

Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.

[seaworld]

“Hey what happened to the new guy?”

-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6

“But there’s a shark in tan..”

-BINGO!

Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes