My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
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Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.