Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”

Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car

I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.

Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird

Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted

A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.

I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.

No YOU’VE been drinking.

I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks

Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.

4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.

My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.

When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it

cop: can you describe the suspect

witness: he was no more than 6 feet

cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god

something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care

Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.

I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.

I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?

BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday

COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off

ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day

My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.

I enjoy a good short stor

waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

me: i’d love it

I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late

I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.

Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.

Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing

Me: fine

[Later]

Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands

Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…

Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy

there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.

Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.