*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
You Might Also Like
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no