Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.

Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?

CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA

Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.

Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”

Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.

Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question

I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.

I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it

I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.

Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap

I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.

The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB

*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard

As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?

I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.

Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”

If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.

My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.

You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.

Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.

4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?

Me, a Dad: Yeah???

4: …

4: MOMMY!!!

“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”

WebMD: Parenthood

I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea

Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”

Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”

“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”

Boss: “Just go..”

I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.

Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.

WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect

Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.