My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
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An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Haha! 😂
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.