My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
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if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
Yamahahahahahahahahaha
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.