Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!

Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”

My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.

the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun

[dinner at fergie’s house]

fergie: what do you think of the food i made?

me: it’s ok

fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?

*seasons greetings*

*eats greetings*

me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol

teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked

Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way

Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.

marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.

Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?

Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok

Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.

the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes

Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: solving equations

professor 3: wow

Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert

Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.

[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*

WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America

ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.

If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.

Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?

911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?

Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*

I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!

My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.

So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.

I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things

I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.

On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME.