My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
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All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.
Yellow duck mess, my old friend.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
I’ve decided to stop telling dad jokes for the new year, I know they are…
Much Much You You You You Handle Handle.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin
As a kid: what tf does that mean?
Turns 40: ohhhhh
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.