My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
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the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.