My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
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Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Season 1: Pride
Season 2: Prejudice
Season 3a: Pride and
Season 3b: [cancelled]
Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse