My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
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A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
I pretend I’m waterboarding the bowls when I’m doing the washing up. I’ll ask them a question then put them under the faucet.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Rather alarming headline…
Family Celebrity
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
🤣
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
