my boss: here’s your raise
me: thanks
my landlord: he was talking to me
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Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
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Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?