Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision

Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.

*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid

A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it

Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.

My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.

I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con

My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time

Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.

Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.

Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.

Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!

A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.

If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.

My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”

My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”

No one

Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.

Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white panties

Me: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…

Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them

If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.

I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.

*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*

“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.

*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat

[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”

Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.

After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic

Husband: my back hurts

Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???

You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.

You can’t have both.

“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me

I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.

Me: I think I saw a murder.

Policeman: Are you positive?

Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.

Policeman: About the murder.

Me: Not really. No.

What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”