My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
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My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?
Genie: Stop saying it like that.
at ease…shoulder.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.