my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
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“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
😭😭
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.