my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
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Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
me 2 months after i graduated
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i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Hank is one in a melon.
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one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?