Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are 2 types of buyers in me:

1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago

2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??

My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.

I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs

My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.

☠️

I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs

Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.

Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great

went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm

I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it

Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)

ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand

DATE: ??

ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor

*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*

Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.

Duolingo getting serious.

In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.

Are you Eminem?

Let’s find out…

I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.

I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.

Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.

me: I wish my dad was alive

genie: done

[elsewhere]

dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again

Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

Me: *walking in front of husband at store*

Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”

Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*

My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”

Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.

Merlin: What now?

Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police

Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?

*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no

My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.

Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar

Me: I won’t let anything control me!

My bladder: Lmao