my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
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Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
cause of death:
autopsy.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Brb my Sims are getting married
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation