My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
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My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”