A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
You Might Also Like
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Does your wife know you’re single?
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Girl, same.