My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
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Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.