My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
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So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
This is Sparta
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that