My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.

He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground

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*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*



me: two marijuanas please

employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru

me: two McMarijuanas please


*calls out under the bed

Me: Are you still there?

Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.


They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.


[God making peaches]

ANGEL: we already have nectarines

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them

ANGEL: what

GOD: what


Doctor: have you been drinking?

Me: no, your honor


[sinking boat]


ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!


[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again


[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died