@causticbob

My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.

He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground

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@AndyAsAdjective

*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*

@girlnarly

[mcdonalds]

me: two marijuanas please

employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru

me: two McMarijuanas please

@better_off_dad

*calls out under the bed

Me: Are you still there?

Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.

@pranavsapra

They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.

@roxiqt

[God making peaches]

ANGEL: we already have nectarines

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them

ANGEL: what

GOD: what

@DaddyJew

Doctor: have you been drinking?

Me: no, your honor

@DurtMcHurtt

[sinking boat]

CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!

ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!

@rockymomax

[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again

@caithuls

[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died