My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.

He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground

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[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office


the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty


My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.


Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?

Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.

Therapist: what? No.


Boss left his email open.
Me: *looks around, send email to district manager “i love you”

Now we wait


Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…

so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.


I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.


Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.


[At Mexican Restaurant]
Me:asks for food to be spicy hot
Waitress: how hot?
Waitress:my people hot or your people hot


Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere