*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
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me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
Doctor: have you been drinking?
Me: no, your honor
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died