Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.

Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?

Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.

Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.

dam girl

JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]

JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty]

[Jesus and God hi-5]

[Russian class]

Um, why did I fail this test?

Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…

I knowski.

Always the vampires

When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.

Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed

Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.

Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows

Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual

WebMD: *Blocked

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.

Not everyone was Kung foo fighting

I was just trying to get out of my sports bra

gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms

People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.

Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.

Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.

[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.

My warrants are pretty outstanding.

Oh the things that I’d do* to that man

*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute

People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……

You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.

sneaking out of costco with extra samples like

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it

ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.

Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot

I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..

and softly whisper…

“I’ll do your housework for you”