My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
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[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
I hope Alan is OK
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
calling in to work dehydrated
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*