Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”

i havent decided yet

“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”

i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter

i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.

Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist

barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented

Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.

When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying

My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:

Survive in harsh conditions.

She’s never even been been camping.

I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.

*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy

Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?

My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.

A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.

So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.

I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right

Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.

Me: Damn you hate our house that much?

Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person

Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?

Hubs: Yes!!

“Can I have $20?”

-how teenagers say hello

The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.

Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*

– cats

If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.

A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.

My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas

My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party

I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken

I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.

Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio

I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.

To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.

Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.

It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it