Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.

“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones

why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?

Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]

My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.

My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420

Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.

Me: Want a back rub?

Wife: It depends

Me: On what?

Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?

Me:

Wife: No. The answer is no.

i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones

I told you these spanx were too tight.

-my tombstone

Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.

Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.

[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman

“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”

I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.

I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.

cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]

Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins

COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?

[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]

14: it smells like chores in here

My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”

It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”

why no one uses midhusbands

Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.

*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT

[runs into old friend]

FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*

Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.

Anyway, congrats on your engagement!

It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.

ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!

MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal

[later]

ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks

If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors

The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.

Dear God, woman. Not the cake!