My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
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He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Apparently it’s illegal to sell a bottle, a rag, and a pint of gasoline as fireworks to the neighborhood kids here in Nashville
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?