@hogrider05

My boss is having a colonoscopy today.

I sure hope they find his head.

You Might Also Like

@ibid78

“I see your bet and raise you all my hair since 6th grade. Oh and this pen.”
“Sir that’s not-
“You got a problem with pens?”

@myles_morrison

I can tell everything I need to know about a person by how they cut their sandwich.
Diagonal = normal
Straight = serial killer
No cut = dad

@junejuly12

It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.

@Deno_Tron

I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard

@Ygrene

Genie: what are your three wishes

Me: make me a waffle

[suddenly I am a waffle]

Me: no, like a waffle to eat

[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]

Me: no! for me to eat

[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]

@SeanBlazed

IF SIMBA COULD GROW TO THE SIZE OF A HEALTHY ADULT LION EATING BUGS THEN SO CAN I

@drinkcherrycoke

So I just found out those stick figures on the back of cars are not to keep track of how many pedestrians you’ve hit,i will be removing mine

@AlmightyBored

Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.