@hogrider05

My boss is having a colonoscopy today.

I sure hope they find his head.

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@cm_rutvik

Jeff: i’m pro gun.

Me: i’m anti gun.

Greg: i’m vegan.

Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.

@KentWGraham

I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.

@lisasopinions

My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.

@skittle624

My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.

@jacquelinehey

Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor

@carlyken

Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]

@nedprice

Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.

@mydmac

The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.

The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.