This might be the funniest tweet ever
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
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Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.