I hope they boil the right one.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
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“I see your bet and raise you all my hair since 6th grade. Oh and this pen.”
“Sir that’s not-
“You got a problem with pens?”
I can tell everything I need to know about a person by how they cut their sandwich.
Diagonal = normal
Straight = serial killer
No cut = dad
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
IF SIMBA COULD GROW TO THE SIZE OF A HEALTHY ADULT LION EATING BUGS THEN SO CAN I
So I just found out those stick figures on the back of cars are not to keep track of how many pedestrians you’ve hit,i will be removing mine
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.