My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
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Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me