My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
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my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Relationships are all about compromises. If your partner wants the control of the tv remote, you get to control the thermostat.
Easy peasy.
Also I’m divorced
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.