5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
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Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me