My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
You Might Also Like
For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
It’s on my to-do list.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
“thank you for choosing Amtrak” no problem there are no other trains
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”