My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
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I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Never ghost your hitman.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.