Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???

Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me

Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.

marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other

It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.

I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground

if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u

I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.

[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank

Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!

Uber: What?

Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out

Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.

The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses

I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?

If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever

if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups

Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing

Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.

Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently

[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*

nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR

Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME

JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.

I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered

I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?

I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.

Brat summer is out, attic wife autumn is in. We’re hissing at people. We’re withdrawing from society. We’re growing our hair below our waist. We’re setting fire to his curtains. We’re gaslighting his new side piece.

Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..

Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.

First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.

Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]

Him: How did you get in my house?