My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
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“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”