Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.

I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.

Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol

The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.

me: *using chocolate coins as currency*

clerk: those are not legal tender

me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth

Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”

So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?

*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so

there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them

i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout

Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.

One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.

ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today

LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test

Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups

Me *putting honey on toast*

Son: do you know bees make that?

Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot

[Later]
Date: tell me something interesting

Me: bees make toast

50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.

If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.

In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.

I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.

Me: *winks*

Him: *googles signs of a stroke*

“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”

~All accountants

I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”

Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce

not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan

If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do

having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse

Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.

I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.

“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”

*hangs up*

Succession: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power

Game of Thrones: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power

Reality: powerful people are just as d- they know everything, EVERYTHING, and they control it all i swe

[Christmas Party]

*opening my gifts*

Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago