My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
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@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
sigh
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
kinda wild that i pay tons of money in taxes for bombs each year and have no bombs
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.