My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
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Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
I have many caverns
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.