My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
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the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Me too 😆
fr
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
nyc:
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
BRAKING NEWS!!
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.