My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
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Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”
Terribly Tuesday.
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
What’s your superpower?
Spiderman: ummm, parkour.
me irl
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
thank god I have a cat. who else is gonna shit in this box I have
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone