Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?

It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets

What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?

Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.

Married with Children was much funnier on TV.

Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.

O: Joe…

Biden: Trust me.

How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?

I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.

“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”

“I wasn’t born yesterday.”

-hilarious talking baby

It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure

There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.

My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.

Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*

NETFLIX: Skip intro?

ME: Yes.

NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.

ME: Should…should I not skip it?

NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.

ME: Okay, skip intro.

NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.

“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.

[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.

You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.

Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.

Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.

Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?

Him: Fishing

There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.

I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.

Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by

Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”

God making Khaki

God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down

Angel: Nice!

G: But it shows every pee drip

A: Hilarious!

Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻‍♀️😂

Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped

Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.

I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this

Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.

This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.

“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.