My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
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That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Who says great literature is dead?
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It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
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*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
vegan witches, happy halloween!
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Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect
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It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes