My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
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PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
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According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster