My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
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People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
only 11 steps left
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
If only.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”