Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation

I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.

I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.

Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?

Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.

911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?

Patient: I think so. I was asleep.

911: Any idea what set him off?

Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.

Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”

i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁

Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.

[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]

ME: *sigh*

HER: still mad at Totino’s?

M: yeah

Her: I have a marathon coming.

Me: Ooh, which show?

There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.

My husband is great with playing games with them.

I’m good at taking them outside to play.

And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.

It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang

Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god

Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t fun

How’s your summer going?

A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”

I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.

My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.

*takes the high road

*gets a DUI

Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.

lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis

Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.

Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*

Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.

Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate

couldn’t resist

Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?

Costco employee: Aisle 6

Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?

Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?

Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.

Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!

Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail