My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
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one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it
and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Me reminding my kid of all the fun things we did this summer so when he’s asked on the first day of school he doesn’t say “Uhhhh nothing?”
Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.