Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let me make this abundantly clear

– window makers probably

When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.

When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.

Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.

Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.

the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest

buying dead houseplants to save time

Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.

my gf left me cuz i’m insecure

never mind she’s back she went pee

[getting up to speak at a funeral even though I didn’t know the person that well but I want to show off my new shirt] sometimes your mail man is more than just a mail man

[on first date]

I’ll have an iced tea, please.

Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?

The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!

Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.

Husband: Oh really?

Me: Yeah, it was……

Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……

Me: The gif that keeps on giving.

*Husband leaves room.

Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.

Puffer fish: Dammit.

*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*

You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.

If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.

grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”

me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive

*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*

*winks*

My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.

The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.

Me: How are you?

Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?

Me: I can and do.

Always 🥴

My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.

Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.

Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”

Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌

this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa

I never picked my nose. I was born with it.

There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.