Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”

*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”

[Calling the police]

“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”

“Stay calm.”

“Yes, that’s him!”

Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.

From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done

One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit

People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.

-inspirational tweet

That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.

[slashing food truck tires]

friend: wtf are you doing?!

[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!

If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.

For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.

S M O L

[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*

[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”

Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.

*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*

If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.

Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?

Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.

I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.

So they hid my phone charger.

When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.

That’s more my speed.

Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato

me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees

are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies

*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop

If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.

I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms

o: I want a tail

GENIE: ok

α: longer

GENIE: sure

q: LONGER

GENIE: dude

@: perfect

Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.

me: it is lonely at the top.

therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’

DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie

THEM: ok

DA: Will Smith is one of the cops

THEM: k

DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc

THEM: no that’s crazy

EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini

#BRIGHTMovie