My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
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Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”
When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.
~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*