Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops

A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”

“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.

Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.

Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up

Me: I said I was sorry

Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*

i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit

If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.

Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”

Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”

Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!

I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.

If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.

Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying

Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.

Me: *grimaces, accepts call*

Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!

Me: Meow

Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?

“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”

I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”

omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest wea-

Me: Interrupting people.

[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house

In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.

Please vote for people who are attractive

if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps

I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.

Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body

Disciples: ooh

Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood

Disciples: ahh

Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me

Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.

Festival

Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?

Me: No, thank you.

PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!

Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.

Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.

*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*

When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.

my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“