Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.

In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.

Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.

[2 years and 250 boxes later]

Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.

teacher: where is your assignment?

me: my dog ate it-

[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]

me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.

Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out

My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.

Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.

Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.

Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home

garbage man: hello little fella

raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please

Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.

I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie

Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!

Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.

Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed

Me: *turns on my cpap machine*

Her: Not like that

After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.

[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?

DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p

ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia

Daughter: what does biography mean?

Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.

[later at movie night]

Wife: let’s watch Cars.

Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.

Me: How old is your daughter?

Her: She’ll be 4 next week.

Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.

☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇

[sees woman reading]

“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”

Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.

“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok

Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving

wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better

me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.

My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.

I think this means he wants me to talk to him.

Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”

Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever

*Buys something from Amazon

*Tracks package from Amazon

*Gets delivery from Amazon

Me)I wonder what this is

don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap

my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.