Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches

[Diner]

Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free

*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*

my 6 year-old: im a police

[funeral home]

DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.

Would you eat from the Hummus Truck?

Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”

Is it the “S” or the “C?”

For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.

Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.

Me: *makes new sandwich*

Kid: This one has too little.

Me: *makes one just right*

Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.

Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?

11: Just pull up and act cool.

Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.

11: Daddy …

Me: Got it. Just be me.

11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!

I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy

Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.

Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.

Me: *walking in front of husband at store*

Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”

Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*

My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.

This is my cat’s medicine.

they should invent a rest for the wicked

Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?

Me:

Daughter:

Me:

Daughter:

Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!

Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.

Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb

about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day

Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this

Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band

I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.

My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.

It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.

STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU

AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?

ME: No, I was happy with my first try.

If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix

Her: you’re in no state to drive

Me: Jesus will take the wheel

Jesus: can’t… drunk

Me: but you were only ordering water all night

Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*

To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.

I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.

[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”