My boss just texted me and said,“Send me one of your funny jokes please.”
I replied “ I’m working hard at the moment,I will send you one later.”He replied, “That was fantastic,send me another one.”
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Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
My kids: We’re bored!
Me (thinking about when I sharpened a whole box (50?) of yellow pencils with my grandmother’s bolted to the desk, metal, pencil sharpener): Hm. That’s a you problem.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”
-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.