Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?

Me : Because a good employee is hard to find

GUY: I wish girls liked comics.

GIRL: I love comics.

GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?

had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead

Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.

A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.

Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine

sumtimes i go 2 hard tho

Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.

dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love

I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”

I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it

I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes

A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.

He’s an artificial sweetner.

urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium

Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!

WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?

ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools

WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not

Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?

The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted

I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.

– 11, missing the point of Lent

Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*

Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed

On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice

Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6

how to have fun when you’re poor

*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday

(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay

I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.

Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to

Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”

Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.