Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.

“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”

[Mother’s Day text to my wife]

Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?

Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:

Tween and me: *arguing*

Husband: God, you two are just like each other.

Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?

Husband: *jumps out window*

Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever

I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.

My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.

A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.

[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo

Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”

Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.

*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*

Me: what?

gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!

me: will I go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”

me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights

her: “that’s not true”

text from Beth: that’s not true

Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.

To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.

teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew

me: did I tell you I started a new diet today

teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: ha nice try

I: excuse me?

M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.

There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.

DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.

My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.

Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.

Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.

Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.

i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️

I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean

stages of eating a banana:

– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now

Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?