Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.

– Skywalker family reunion

How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.

Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need

My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?

Me: What?

7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS

Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.

7yo: WHOA 🤯

Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.

My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes

why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?

︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎

Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.

I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.

us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour

how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms

I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN

Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again

The Fashion Industry: No.

we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”

*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”

She’s got a great personality!

It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….

I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”

[while titanic is sinking]

me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol

Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.

I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.

Waiter: how did u find your meal

Me: *sweating* i…i looked down

I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser

Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.

Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”

I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.

#goodplan

The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going

No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me

Bad joke of the day:

Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.