Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”

Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?

-every kid ever

“How much to go into this haunted house?”

“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”

“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”

If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too

I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.

*checks BMI chart*

*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*

People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician

Orange cat behavior 😂

WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING

If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.

My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child

Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.

Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’

COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.

INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired

[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]

“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”

Commas can make a world of difference…

Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.

at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra

Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.

My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”

I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.

My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”

I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”

3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”

Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”

Sleep well tonight, kid.

Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol

My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.

I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap

Doctor: well, we lost him

Widow: *sobbing*

Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there

Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.

My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.

[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS

I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude