Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Server: Have you dined before?

Me: Have I d- like in general?

Server:

Me: Yeah. Yes.

Mapping America’s Far Right

“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant

I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.

For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store

Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:

– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle

If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.

I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.

Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?

Leave this on his windshield.

[santa gently waking me] you live like this?

I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.

Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.

Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit

I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.

“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines

I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?

Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.

After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)

[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No

[after the flood]

noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends

god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow

noah: that doesn’t really help

god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends

I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.

I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.

sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead

-a valentine from the Predator

Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.

I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*

Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!

8: But mom, you’re pretty.

Me: Awe thank……wait what?

Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.

A thread.

the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u

I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH

Overheard:

5yo : you think I’m ugly

6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no