My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
You Might Also Like
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
deleting my mental health to focus on my social media
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
When it comes to depression, sighs matters
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Existential crisis becomes ex’s tinsel crisis, when Christmas is involved
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad