My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
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ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Not even remotely sorry.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
The massive row between me and my wife at her cousin’s wedding was actually staged because I needed to leave early for a work thing, and she wanted to get back at her cousin for getting engaged at our wedding.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.